“Freedom is being disliked by other people.” — The Courage to Be Disliked
Have you ever caught yourself shrinking to fit someone else’s expectations? Or hesitated to express your true thoughts out of fear of rejection? If so, The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga might just be the wake-up call you didn’t know you needed.
This thought-provoking book is based on the psychological principles of Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Freud and Jung who believed that we are not shaped by past traumas but by the meaning we assign to them. Told through a Socratic-style dialogue between a philosopher and a sceptical young man, the book challenges many common assumptions about happiness, self-worth, and personal freedom.
Key Lessons from the Book
1. You are not your past.
Adlerian psychology asserts that trauma is not something that happens to us but something we choose to carry with us. This idea may feel radical, even controversial. But the message is empowering: you have the freedom to reframe your past and stop using it as an excuse for unhappiness today.
2. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
Whether it’s anxiety, jealousy, or low self-esteem, according to Adler, these all stem from how we relate to others. Healing comes not from isolation, but from changing how we engage in social life and our sense of contribution to the world.
3. Separate your tasks.
A life-changing concept from the book is the “separation of tasks.” In short: don’t interfere with what isn’t your responsibility. Your task is to live in alignment with your values, not to control how others perceive or respond to you. Freedom begins the moment you stop living for approval.
4. Be courageous enough to be disliked.
This is perhaps the boldest takeaway: the courage to live authentically comes with the risk of being misunderstood, judged, or even rejected. And that’s okay. When you no longer seek validation from others, you reclaim your life.
My Reflections
Reading this book felt like being gently—but firmly—confronted with truths I had long avoided.
As a woman, mother, therapist, and human being on my own path of healing, I know how easy it is to let guilt, duty, or the fear of being judged shape our decisions. The Courage to Be Disliked reminded me that I don’t have to prove my worth to anyone. My task is not to please others but to stay true to myself.
This teaching also resonated deeply with my experience of working with clients. Many of us are imprisoned by our need to be liked. We carry childhood patterns of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and fear of rejection into adulthood, often without realizing it. But change is possible—not by fixing the past, but by deciding what kind of future we want to create.
The courage to be disliked is, ultimately, the courage to live freely. To say “no” without guilt. To create boundaries. To show up in truth, even if it’s inconvenient for others. And to know that in doing so, we create space for real connection, not performance.
Final Thoughts
The Courage to Be Disliked isn’t just a book—it’s an invitation to radical self-responsibility and liberation. It challenges you to ask: What kind of life am I living? And more importantly, whose life am I living?
This book is a powerful guide if you’re ready to take your personal growth deeper. And if you’d like support along your journey, whether through hypnotherapy, coaching, or reflective dialogue, know that you don’t have to do it alone.
Have you read The Courage to Be Disliked?
What did it awaken in you? Let’s talk in the comments.
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